Dancing with the Stars: Final Results!

Last night our final three dancers danced their final three dances, and things got real. The stars dazzled and amazed us. Tonight, they’ll dance one more time for the judges, and we’ll also get to see the MUPPETS! Oh, and Whitney Houston. Who will walk away with the mirrorball trophy? I can’t wait to find out!

For one last time, all of our couples hoof it down the stairs as the band performs “I Gotta Feeling”. Which, I have to tell you all, is a great song to roller skate to. First the 13 eliminated pairs enter, then they create an embarassingly awkward high-five line for the final three couples. Kelly gets caught up giving too many hugs to people, and she’s so charming I could just explode.

Recap time. Len said the megamix dance was tough to judge, although the scores came out exactly as we all expected them to. We get midway through Kelly’s recap, and the screen freezes on a backstage shot of the back of Miss Piggy’s head. Sound hiccups, then we’re back to Bergeron on stage, where he quips about the show being live. We’ll rewind the tape and show it again after the break! What a perfect opportunity for me to run to the fridge for a lovely beverage, which I’m going to need — I just noticed that this show is two hours instead of one.

Back to the recap. And you know what? We all watched the show last night. I want to avoid making this post eight miles long, so let’s just say: dance happened.

A mere five miles of results show, after the jump!

Before the stars dance their final dance, we get to hear the new single “Million Dollar Bill” by Whitney Houston. She’s accompanied by breakdancers and hip-hoppers, and the song itself is like something out of 1987. I’m sure if you want to have a copy of the song, they’ll sell one to you in the ABC.com music lounge.

Next up is a package about “The Losers Club”. Then Jeffrey Ross presents a sequinned LC jacket to Ashley Hamilton. Oh, right. That guy. Then there’s some painful roast-style non-jokes, and Ashley dances with Edyta. And with Jeffrey. And there’s shirtlessness. My eyes will never be clean.

Another recap, this time looking back at the first three weeks of the season. Blah blah blah dancecakes.

More returning dancers: Kathy & Tony, Macy & Jonathan, and Debi & Maks. The song goes on and on, and it makes me wonder the eternal question: who’s that lady? Their dances are followed by a package about how the flu hit many, dancers and celebrities alike.

Commercials, then Tom & Cheryl finally get to dance their Two-Step. Let’s just say he still dances as if his feet are both mangled. More recaps follow, this time of weeks 4 and 5. And then Chuck & Anna dance, followed by Mark & Lacey. They at least get to dance to a medley of Foreigner songs. Chuck and Mark do a little mock fighting, which is both awkward and hot.

The next package is Adam Carolla doing his coaching bit. His line, “Make like my parents and split,” cracks me up. It’s followed by Natalie & Alec dancing a rumba to “In the Air Tonight”. Because there’s nothing creepy about that dance + song combo at all. The weekly recaps follow, covering weeks 6 and 7, and then Melissa & Mark dance their knockout Salsa.

Another package, big surprise. This time the judges give their opinions of the final three. Then maybe, just maybe, it might be time for the final three to dance those last dances. Maybe. The final three get to enter through a new (and cheaply temporary-looking) door at the top of the stairs. They’re wearing costumes we’ve seen before, so this might be revisiting past dances. Yes! It’s time!

Final Dances!

Kelly & Louis – Viennese Waltz: She’s wearing her week-one dress, and it must have been taken in several sizes. Girl looks good. Her posture is great, her lines are beautiful. There are a couple of little problems, but overall she’s improved so much it’s amazing. She gets not only a standing ovation, but the crowd chanting her name. Len has great things to say, although he’s drowned out by the chanting. Bruno applauds her new confidence. Carrie Ann, on the brink of tears, wonders if anyone in any season has touched her like Kelly does.

Mya & Dmitry – Jive: She looks like she’s about to cry as she sits on the steps waiting for the dance to begin. Aww! But then it’s Jive time, and they rock it just like they did the first time. And the song is just as crazy weird as it was the first time, too. Another standing ovation. Bruno calls her dance sharp and slick, and names her “Mya the Magnificent”. Carrie Ann names her as the one everyone’s wanted to beat. Len calls her “without a doubt … fantastic.”

Donny & Kym – Argentine Tango: As I recall, this dance was seriously good the first time. Donny surprised us all with how non-goofy he could be. And I think this time, it’s even better. A great choice for the repeat dance. Standing O. Carrie Ann is sad it’s the last time we’ll see them dance, and calls this dance artistry in motion. Len refers to Donny’s past dances as good, bad, and ugly, but says he really finished strong this week. Bruno compliments the character and Donny’s “dark side”. As the judges decide on their rankings, the audience chants Donny’s name. Interesting that Mya didn’t get any chanting.

Once again, like with the megamix last night, the couples will be ranked from 1 to 3, with the pairs receiving 30, 28, or 26 points. And again, Kelly & Louis receive 3rd place. But in a delightful change, Mya & Dmitry get the 2nd place spot (to which Donny’s jaw drops to the floor) and Donny & Kym get the 30 points for first. So the pairs are still in the same order on the judges’ leaderboard, but we won’t know anything until we hear about how the viewers voted.

The next returning couple to dance is Louie & Chelsie, dancing to “Puppy Love” sung by Donny Osmond. The kids go from a Waltz to a Jive, and Donny sounds fantastic. Following that is a package about the upcoming Michael Irvin vs. Jerry Rice dance throwdown. The winner will take home a ghastly, ginormous mirrorball ring. They’re doing the Paso Doble in a dance battle to that old NFL theme (Is it the original theme to Monday Night Football?) and each is dancing with an Anna. They’re both a bit off their game, and there’s some wooden dancing on both their parts.The judges confer, then give the awful mirrorball ring to Michael. But then Jerry gets his own ring for winning “the battle of the bodies”, whatever that means. Then Samantha throw us to commercial, but not before she proves she’s a worse actor than a pile of foam and felt.

Aaron & Karina come back to dance their Muppet Quickstep again. It makes a lot more sense when you know from the beginning that they’re supposed to be Kermit & Piggy. Statler and Waldorf are in the audience, and they’re right — Len does look a lot like Statler. Then Aaron does a very awkward interview about how he hopes to inspire other young adults to “do what’s right”, and he plans on doing that, too. Um, is there some scandal of which I’m unaware? Backstage, Miss Piggy interviews Cloris Leachman, Jerry Springer, Woz, and Joanna Krupa. Then recaps of weeks 8 and 9. Then, horror of horrors, the aforementioned oldsters (and Joanna) come out to do a competition Mambo. If you feel the need to fast-forward, now’s the time. The only thing worthwhile is the end, where Joanna and Derek switch places in that horrifying move that they ended with a few weeks ago.

Whitney Houston comes back to sing “one of her biggest hits”, and I guessed correctly that it’d be “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. I figured it wouldn’t be a maudlin ballad or that one song about adultery, and a song with “dance” in the title seemed a shoo-in. A crowd of professionals come out and shake their moneymakers, and a crowd of extra singers back up Whitney. She doesn’t quite sound like the Whitney of the 80s with this song; there’s a bit of froggy-throat sound, like that terrible noise Zooey Deschanel makes singing in the cotton commercial. Again, available in the music lounge.

And now, after an hour and fifty minutes, we get some results. The couple in third place: Kelly & Louis. I agree with the girl yelling from the balcony: I love you, Kelly! The announcement gets boos, followed by more chanting of Kelly’s name. I’ll tell you — last night was actually the first night of the entire season that I’ve picked up the phone to vote, and Kelly got all 5 of my votes. What a great kid.

Finally, it’s time to name a winner. The mirrorball trophy is on stage, flanked by Mya & Dmitry and Donny & Kym. After yet one more recap of the couples, and a pause that feels several minutes long, the winners are named: DONNY & KYM! He hauls his wife onstage! He hauls Marie onstage! Fireworks! Confetti! And a very good result. Mya could have won and I’d be happy, she danced beautifully. But Donny was such a charmer, such a showman, such an apparently amazing guy, I’m delighted.

Thanks to everyone who read the recaps this season! I had a ton of fun, and hope you did too. We’ll see how many celebrities and pseudo-celebrities we get next season (my husband has put his prediction on file: Kate Gosselin); no matter who, no matter how many, I’ll be there to watch.

Missy will go back to her regularly scheduled ranting and kvetching at themissy.com.