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Dancing with the Stars: Week 9 Performances

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It’s hard to believe that 9 weeks ago we had to sit through sixteen celebrities. And yet, here we are at the final four. Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne, Mya, and Joanna Krupa are in the home stretch, fighting through the last couple of weeks, battling for that hideous mirror ball trophy. Let’s roll, Dancing with the Stars!

Once more down the staircase, and once again, Trumpet Guy goes totally insane. The stage looks practically empty with our remaining four couples lined up. Tonight everyone will perform three full routines: two fresh dances, one of which will have a 15-second solo, and the knockout dance they’ve been working on for weeks.

Donny & KymTango – Kym brings Gilles Marini into rehearsal — he got tens in his Tango last season. His big advice is apparently to make the audience uncomfortable by the end. Um, what? Donny makes Kym uncomfortable during rehearsal, then reiterates that he wants to make everyone uncomfortable. With his passion, I guess? This is the weirdest thing. I tell you what, Kym’s dress is what’s making me uncomfortable. How painful is that, having your lady lumps squashed and mashed like that! Donny’s wearing a gold lamé jacket and black gloves, dancing to a song I’m guessing is called “Black and Gold” (due to the repetition of the words “black and gold” throughout). Their Tango is decent, don’t get me wrong. But it looks like there are a few stumbles, and they’re not in close enough contact, and it’s overall just not that exciting. Nor do I feel uncomfortable. Plus Kym has what looks like a torn bit of dress hanging down. After the dance, Donny sits on the floor and covers his face, then raises his fists and growls at the heavens. Len says it wasn’t as good as the Argentine Tango recently, and Donny blames it on seeing Marie in the crowd. Bruno is sad that Donny didn’t cover up his mistakes as well as usual. Carrie Ann missed the drama and the light and shade, but gives him props for finishing. We get to see the torn dress backstage, and Donny kicks himself some more. Scores: 7-7-7 for a chicken dinner.

Joanna & DerekViennese Waltz – In rehearsal, Derek gets frustrated like crazy. So Brooke Burke comes in to teach Joanna how to deal with his punky attitude. Then Brooke and Joanna share a cheek-kiss, to which Derek gets all eyebrow-raisy. Okay, NOW I’m uncomfortable. Their dance gets the extra-special set pieces of long, flowing curtains. They’re dancing to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, which just makes me think of that adorable dreadlocked Jason Castro on American Idol. (Clearly, I watch far too much reality TV.) They start with a couple of nice spin tricks, although at one point Joanna’s feet look like a couple of delicate blocks of wood. The waltzing itself is decent, but a couple of times she shuffles her feet and it isn’t terribly elegant. They get a big standing ovation from the audience. Bruno says the dance had the grace of angels in heaven, but then calls out her hesitation. Carrie Ann loves how Joanna has grown, gives the dance love, but then tells her to work on the reaching. Len compliments her hold and posture, as well as the choreography, but calls out a couple of “peculiar” moments. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27.

Kelly & LouisRumba – Before rehearsals start, Kelly learns that one of the tiny cute puffball dogs she was looking after passed away. So she’s weepy, but still plugs along. She’s quiet and concentrating and working hard, and in a way it feels wrong. I’m used to the flighty, bubbly Kelly. The dance starts out really well, if you put aside the fact that Louis is kind of a weird lecherous leathery guy and Kelly’s so young and they’re dancing the super-romantic dance of romance. Since this is their Latin dance, Kelly has to do a 15-second solo. It’s not terrible, but it’s not that fabulous either; I think she got a tough style for a solo, since there isn’t a lot of the typical Latin dance bootyshaking or showboating in the Rumba. Louis comes back, and the dance ends with a fabulous difficult-looking move. Sharon Osbourne is applauding like mad, and the crowd is back on its feet. Carrie Ann tells Kelly she has a magical quality that reaches into her heart and brings her to tears. Len won’t be as “airy-fairy” as Carrie Ann, then says this wasn’t one of her best, but it certainly wasn’t her worst. Bruno wants to see a relentless sense of eroticism in the Rumba, which he didn’t get from this dance (good, says I), but commends the poses and figures. Scores: 8-8-8 for 24.

Mya & DmitryWaltz – They make up “boot camp” rules for rehearsals. They’ve also set up a tent in the rehearsal studio, to make us believe they’re sleeping there in order to squeeze in as much dance time as possible. Riiiight. They start their Waltz with Mya held in Dmitry’s arms, then proceed to tear up the dance floor, Waltz style. It’s a great dance, full of smooth loveliness, until the last few seconds when it looks like Mya’s toe comes off the floor during a lift (although her skirts are hiding her feet), and they have a tiny hiccup getting unwound from each other. Of course, they get a standing O (Will every dance get one?) for their effort. Len loves it for romance, elegance, movement, and control. Bruno calls it “love set to music” and absolutely loved it. Carrie Ann says she enjoyed it, but thought they were slightly not connected in the hold. No word about the maybe-lift. Scores: 9-9-10 for 28, although Bruno’s tie covers the 0 and it looks for a moment like he gives her an 11. Or a 1.

Donny & KymSamba – The second round will have, instead of rehearsal footage, little packages about how the stars became stars. We see Donny through his time with the Osmonds, then the Donny & Marie show, and then there’s awesome interview footage of Stevie Wonder in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland. Also, the two of Donny’s sons who are interviewed don’t look like brothers. At all. For their dance, they’re both slathered in sparkles. It’s maybe a little slow for the Samba, and it has its tiny problems, but Donny seems to be having a lot more fun than in his previous dance. His solo is all right, and after they’re done, he’s much happier. Bruno calls it effortless, carefree, and fun. Carrie Ann felt it was better than the other dance, but it felt a little sloppy and small. Len agrees with Bruno. Scores: 8-9-9 for 26.

Joanna & DerekCha Cha Cha – Joanna was born in Poland, and moved to Chicago at age 5. Her mother busted rear to raise her girls. Joanna moved to Los Angeles at age 20 to become a model. Also, she has a super-hunky fiancé. And Hugh Hefner has great things to say about her — did you know she’s going to be the December cover girl on Playboy? Neither did I. She starts the dance with her solo, up on the band stage shaking her fringe trousers. She joins up with Derek, and they proceed to Cha. Her legs and hips are moving well, but there’s something weird about her arms. They seem oddly stiff, and she’s not fully extending when she should. For the last few bars of the song, she mouths the words, which is extra weird. Carrie Ann loves how Joanna can go from elegant to wild. Len wants it to be a little bit more cheeky, but calls it lovely. Bruno tells her she’s “natural sex”. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27 (again).

Kelly & LouisQuick Step – Kelly grew up in England, where a teacher refers to her as “very polite, but she always spoke her mind.” She spent time touring with Ozzy as a kid and learned to be resilient, but the 2000 MTV reality show (and the negative reactions to her) drove her to drugs. But now she’s on her way up and out, and Sharon and Ozzy couldn’t be prouder. They’re dancing to “99 Red Balloons”, which delights me. She looks so much more fit than when she started the show, especially in this dress. There are some timing problems between them, and a little flub at the end, but overall it’s a good dance. My biggest problem is that she only has two facial expressions: concentrating really hard, and grinning like a goofball. Another standing O, and it’s over to the judges. Len says there are two people he knows are happy: Kelly’s mum, and himself. The dance was totally beyond his expectations. Bruno compares her to Speedy Gonzales, and calls her a twinkling, twinkling star. Carrie Ann cheers Kelly, and calls the dance amazing and fabulous. Kelly, in tears, thanks the judges for all of their help. Man, she seems like a nice kid. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27, her highest score ever.

Mya & DmitrySalsa – She was born and raised in the Washington, D.C. area. She was a tap dancer all through school, but wasn’t confident enough to sing for her parents until she was a teen. She had her first big single right when her parents were getting divorced and her mom got cancer. Wowsers, that’s a mixed bag of emotion. Their Salsa begins with the tiniest bit of theatrics — she unbuttons his jacket, under which he’s wearing no shirt. They’re shaking and shimmying to a sped-up version of “La Isla Bonita”, and her solo is jam-packed with excellent bootyshaking. Do I smell tens? Bruno stands up and shouts SEN-SA-TION-AL at them. Carrie Ann calls the solo amazing and difficult and amazing. Len channels crazy inappropriate Bruno, first saying “tutti frutti, what a booty,” then moving on to “I was mesmerized by your buttocks.” Scores: 10-10-10 for her second perfect score.

The third dance of the night will be the knockout dance that all couples prepared in case they had to dance for their lives on the double-elimination nights. We get a package of them all building and rehearsing their dances — they were allowed to choose their own styles and music. These will be the same short length as we saw during the dance-offs in previous weeks. Off we go!

Donny & KymJitterbug – Finally, we get to see these sparkly green costumes in action. The dance is packed with energy, and showy as heck, but as usual with Donny, there are little errors here and there, and a few problems with staying in synch with Kym. But overall, it’s a fun routine. Carrie Ann tells him he needed this dance to be good … and it was! Len calls the dance another winner. Bruno agrees, calling it upbeat and full of vigor. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27, giving them a total of 74 out of 90 for the night.

Joanna & DerekSalsa – Ooh, right after Mya gets a perfect 30 for a Salsa. Tough stuff. She’s either wearing a lower heel, or dancing kind of flat-footed. But she can really shimmy and shake, and they get some good moves in their short dance. Len compares these routines to little hors d’oeuvres, and calls this one hot, tasty, and full of spice. Bruno chimes in, calling the dance delicious and flirtatious, then blows kisses. Carrie Ann calls it excellent, and says she’d love to see Joanna in the finals. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27, giving them a total of 81 out of 90 for the night (although it sounds like Samantha says their score is 71).

Kelly & LouisCha Cha Cha – They’re dancing to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, and it’s cute and light, but doesn’t seem all that difficult. And it feels shorter than the other knockout dances so far. But there’s no stumbling and no missed steps, so that’s good. Bruno gets his creepiness back, declaring: “It might have been a quickie, but it worked for me.” Then he compliments her precision and timing. Carrie Ann compliments how she completed her hand movements every time. Len says she did all three dances to a very high level. Scores: 9-9-9 for 27, giving them a total of 78 out of 90 for the night.

Mya & DmitryCha Cha Cha – Another really short one, danced to that song about a fire burning on the dance floor. But the dance doesn’t really set me on fire — I’ve seen much better out of these two. I don’t know what it is. There’s plenty of bootyshaking, some nice moves … I’m just not amazed. Carrie Ann loves the hip action and the tricks, but something didn’t do it for her. Len starts by telling Bergeron how he hates Bruno yelling in his ear. Then he says he was disappointed … that it wasn’t a longer dance. Bruno leans forward and shouts something about it being an action-packed feature. Scores: 9-10-10 for 29, giving them a total of 87 out of 90 for the night. That’s impressive.

Tomorrow: Alicia Keys! Leona Lewis! The two remaining Bee Gees! Oh, and an elimination. We’re getting into the time of the competition where viewer votes can really have a huge impact — both Mya and Joanna have been doing so well with the judges, we don’t really know how the viewers have been voting. What with Donny and Kelly being so popular, it’s anybody’s guess as to who’s going home tomorrow. All I know is, I’ll be there. With bells on!

Missy usually leaves her bells over at