Dancing with the Stars: Week 3 Results

The results episode starts as usual with a brief recap of last night. And then Bergeron reminds us of Tom’s foot injuries, and warns that we might have two eliminations this week. Roll the credits, so we can get a more in-depth recap of last night. There was kissing! And sexiness! And more kissing! Then Len gave shockingly low scores!

In the more detailed recaps, we get to see the backstage chatter from the celebrities. Kelly wants to stay in so she can keep wearing the fabulous dresses (and when she says this, gross Louis looks down her top). Donny speaks of kissing Bruno, but tells Kym, “I’ve had my shots, it’s okay.” Michael tells the viewers to vote for him, please, despite the fact that nobody sees this footage until well after voting has closed. Debi compares herself to Froot Loops, which seems appropriate. Aaron gets weepy, and Karina calls him Boo Boo. Everyone’s still nervous, and they all know they can do better.

For the encore dance, Len taps Chuck & Anna’s Samba, because it’s fun and unique. Chuck is just as terrible as he was last night, but it’s clear that he’s enjoying himself immensely. If only he could move better, his enthusiasm would make him a top contender.

The first filler guest is Queen Latifah, singing her new single “Fast Car” while Cheryl and Maks shake their groove things. It sure sounds like Queen is singing this song live, because I can’t imagine allowing some of these weird notes to get through a recording session. And yet the back half of the song has a really processed, pre-recorded sound. Maybe they did it half-and-half. The dancing is great, but the song leaves me cold.

Following the performance is a third recap, this one letting us know the standings on the leaderboard.

Mixing up the results process once again, the three lowest scoring male celebrities are onstage. In no particular order, we’ll find out if they’re safe or in jeopardy. Tom & Cheryl are safe (way to go, America). Michael & Anna are in jeopardy. Chuck & Anna are safe. But will Tom be able to continue with his busted-up feet? We’ll find out … later. Samantha then does some backstage chatter with teams who don’t yet know their fates. Nothing new, nothing surprising.

Now it’s time for a pre-recorded package all about how, at week three, they’re all finding the whole DwtS experience harder than they thought. We get to hear what the celebrities think about each other, but of course, it’s all nicey-nice. Back on stage, Tom & Cheryl are in the judging spot, and we find out that he’s not going to be able to continue. (Crowd: Awwwwww.) Bergeron extends the offer that if Tom feels better later in the season, he can do the “Texas Two-Step” (the dance he would have performed next week) in the finale. Then Bergeron lets us know that despite Tom dropping out, we’re still totally eliminating someone tonight. Sweet.

The top scoring women are on stage, and ready for their results. Mya & Dmitry are (shock) safe. Natalie & Alec are likewise safe. And to round things out, Joanna & Derek are … in jeopardy! I sense a bottom four tonight, one couple from each of these top/bottom male/female groups. After a commercial break, we move on to the four top men. Donny & Kym are so totally safe. Louie & Chelsie are also safe. Aaron & Karina are in jeopardy, and Mark & Lacey are safe. Now that’s an unexpected result. GO MARK! Backstage, Samantha is nattering with a couple of couples. Blah blah blah. Turns out Kelly & Louis kissed on a dare, which doesn’t make Louis any less creepy.

The design-a-dance competition is moving right along, with Sabrina Bryan chosen as the celebrity. Hooray, my vote counted! I thought she was simply adorable in her season, and went home way too early. The filler performances continue with JabbaWockeeZ (I had to look up the proper spelling and capitalization) doing one of their weird mask dances to “Singing in the Rain”. People really seem to like these guys, and they’re appearing on all the dancing shows, but I still find them terribly creepy. Maybe it’s because with the masks on, they remind me of the splicers from the game Bioshock.

The filler continues with the return of Queen Latifah, singing “Ease on Down the Road” from the musical The Wiz. I loved that movie as a kid. Except the subway station part, which scared me silly. There are a bunch of dancers around her, but the bulk of their dancing seems disorganized. Finally at the end, they all come together and shake their groove things in unison. A decent performance, but Queen Latifah is no Michael Jackson.

The filler continues continues with a package about Steve Wozniak, ESPN stats guy Matthew Berry, and a toddler predicting the winners. Woz uses a complex mathematical formula. Berry researched the heck out of the competitors as well as past performers’ stats. Berry’s final two are Aaron and Natalie. Woz predicts Donny and Mya. The toddler picks Melissa’s picture off the wall. And I have to wonder; last night when they teased this segment, I was promised a chimpanzee, not a toddler. What happened to the chimp? Is he okay?

Back to the results: our remaining group is the lowest-scoring women. Debi & Maks are in jeopardy right off the bat. Kelly & Louis are safe, and Melissa & Mark are also safe. Four couples are still waiting to find out their fate, and we only have nine minutes left until the show’s over. We’ll finally find out the important stuff … after a commercial break, which contains a preview for the new V series. I’m a sci-fi geek with high hopes, but low expectations.

Michael & Anna, Joanna & Derek, Aaron & Karina, and Debi & Maks sweat it out while Bergeron and Samantha recap some of the judges’ comments. The next couple sent to safety is Joanna & Derek, followed quickly by Aaron & Karina. The red lights shine on Debi & Maks and Michael & Anna, and Len is asked his opinion about who they’d like to see dance again. He gives a very non-commital answer, doesn’t name names, and plays it safe.

Finally, finally, FINALLY it’s time for the ultimate result. The couple with the lowest combined score, and therefore leaving us tonight, is … Debi & Maks. Did anyone out there at all vote for them? Their exit interview consists of not much more than Bergeron asking how her last name is actually pronounced, and I guess that’s as telling about her popularity as anything.

Next week, four new dances for the show: Bolero! Charleston! Country Two-Step! And Lambada … the forbidden dance! Both couples who are leaving head out for their stilted final dance and hugfest. Until next week, Bergeron out!

When not watching reality TV, Missy blogs over at themissy.com.

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