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Dancing with the Stars: Week Two Performances

Last week, America hassled the Hoff into oblivion and ruined my Dancing with the Stars pool. This week, the bloodthirsty ballroom is back for more. Will Maks make someone cry? Will Bruno make more Dirty Dancing puns? Will The Situation actually practice?

It came to my attention during the opening roll call that it is Ugly Costume Week. Rick Fox is wearing a sparkly leather jacket, Michael Bolton is wearing a snow leopard printed women’s blazer, and Tony is wearing a turtleneck and a jacket with pleather lapels. My eyes! They burn!

Rick and CherylJive: The jive requires lightness, and because Rick was “The Tank,” this makes dancing impossible. Or something. Hey Rick, get over it. Evan Lysacek danced for weeks with two broken toes. As for the routine, it wasn’t bad – just a little easy. Rick is an excellent showman with lots of personality, and we’re only in week two, so he should sail on through to the next round. Len said it was fun and full of energy, Bruno said something about a California condor dancing with the hummingbird, and Carrie Ann liked last week’s dance better. Scores: 7-7-7.

Florence and CorkyQuickstep: Florence is 76?! What? I hope I can move like that at 76. She turned out a stellar performance here – perfect timing, good posture, it was all lovely, except for one thing – Corky. I cannot handle all the ham he dishes out every week. And there’s no need for it – Florence is a great dancer! Bruno said her footwork was hesitant, Carrie Ann said the quickstep suited her, and Len said she’ll be back next week. Scores: 7-6-6.

Brandy and MaksJive: It’s week two and they’re already about to kill each other. They actually had an argument in rehearsals as to Maks’s level of “jerkfacery” (lest I repeat the more colorful term they used). Week two! There isn’t even any pressure yet! Brandy’s not a terrible dancer, but I have a feeling she’s a nightmare to deal with, and I bet the bizarre “sexy dance” solo that occurred midway through this number was her idea. Carrie Ann said she was out of control, Len said she took a step backwards, and Bruno said dancing “okay” is not good enough. Scores: 7-7-7.

Michael and ChelsieJive: Michael somehow contracted laryngitis, and then started behaving like a “jerkface” in rehearsals. Has he never watched this show? You don’t question your partner. Not if you want to win. Although, given the concept of this routine, maybe he should have. Because their song is about a Hound Dog, Michael is playing a dog. Complete with crawling out of a dog house, presumably looking for his dignity. Um … I’ll let the judges take this one. Len said the world is not ready for Michael’s interpretation of the jive, Bruno called it the worst jive in eleven seasons (I think that’s an overstatement), and Carrie Ann mumbled a lot of apologies. Scores: 4-5-3. Three? When was the last time you saw a three on this show?!

Audrina and TonyQuickstep: I said unkind things about Audrina when I first found out she would be on the show, but she’s starting to win me over, because she’s actually a really good dancer. Audrina, I apologize. I was wrong about the Hoff, and I was wrong about you. Tony’s outfit, however? Eeeeeesh. I didn’t notice earlier, but his pants also have pleather detailing. Did he lose a bet or something? Bruno said it was a promising performance, Carrie Ann said she showed improvement, and Len said it was the best dance so far. Scores: 8-8-7, which means Tony is waxing his legs next week. Lesson: never make bets on national television.

Jennifer and DerekJive: Why does Derek always get the good people? Like Nicole last season, Jennifer has a natural talent that is unmatched by anyone else this season. She needs to work on pointing her toes, and things got a little awkward in places, but Jennifer is a definitely a contender this season. Carrie Ann called her a sexy Energizer bunny, Len called it a fabulous job, and Bruno said it was a killer jive. Scores: 8-8-8.

And then … awkwardness. As Derek and Jennifer were being interviewed, a large wave of booing became audible. “Why is there booing? Why is everyone booing?” asked Jennifer. Brooke doesn’t know, no one knows, the booing continues, and then the camera cuts to Tom, now next to Sarah Palin, who clearly just sat down in her front-row seat. Cringe-tastic. So, so awkward. Oy.

Margaret and Louis Jive: Margaret wisely decided to dispose of the comedy this week, and what do you know? She’s a good dancer! Imagine that! This dance wasn’t perfect – there were a couple stumbles, a few weird moments, but she has so much potential. Len said the dance had a lot of energy, Bruno said she needs to “engage the buttocks” (thanks, Bruno) and Carrie Ann said she saw improvement. Scores: 6-6-6.

Kyle and LaceyQuickstep: Kyle is easily the most likeable person on this show. He’s funny, he’s charming, he secretly eats fast food behind Lacey’s back. I love him. This dance was adorable – so fun, hip, sweet. Love. It. Bruno called him a powerhouse performer, Carrie Ann said she loved watching him, and Len said there was a mess of things wrong with the dance but he liked it anyway. Scores: 8-7-7.

Kurt and AnnaJive: In rehearsals, Kurt made a rookie mistake: he tried to choreograph. This was a little rough. Kurt needs a lot more work on his technique – floppy feet, wild arms, goofy faces – I don’t think it’s enough to send him home, but he needs to step it up. Carrie Ann said he looked like the drunk uncle at a wedding, Len said he had improved, and Bruno called a Kurt a cool guy who does a cool jive. Scores: 7-7-7.

The Situation and KarinaQuickstep: More hard lessons for our favorite dancing fool – the music on this show is not the kind normally heard in his usual hangouts Bang and Karma. And Karina is clearly eating this whole thing up. She’s my new hero. Honestly, she’s the Dancing with the Stars Employee of the Year. She’s actually teaching The Situation how to dance! Slowly, but surely, he’s getting there. This wasn’t amazing, but there’s been some serious progress since last week. Len called it a series of unfortunate events, Bruno said it was better, and Carrie Ann said he needs to work on his musicality. Scores: 6-6-6.

Bristol and MarkQuickstep: I want to live in Alaska. More specifically, I want to live in Sarah Palin’s Alaska mansion with its floor-to-ceiling windows and its panoramic nature views. Alas, back to reality. Or rather, reality television. This week, Mark earned his salary. He is, without question, the strongest partner on this show and the best teacher, and Bristol actually turned out one of the best quicksteps of the night. Bruno said she was charming but needs to work on her acting, Carrie Ann said Bristol reminds her of Kelly Osbourne, and Len said they were neat and precise. Scores: 7-8-7.

So who’s in trouble tomorrow? Can Michael Bolton really survive a three?

The Disney Chick will be trying to remember the last time this show saw a three over at