Dancing with the Stars: Week One Results

Last night’s season premiere was a befuddling mix of wings, crying, and a whole lot of hype. And I wasn’t the only one who tuned in to watch the crazy – the ratings were up big time over last season’s finale. Alas, reality show happiness is fleeting, and tonight the ballroom claimed its first victim.

The night began with a musical performance by Carlos Santana, accompanied by a professional routine choreographed by Maks. You know the drill. Then, in case you didn’t watch last night and do not use Twitter, we got the usual recap of last night’s performances complete with snippets of what I’ll term from here on out as the “kiss and cry.” The best moment of this whole parade was The Situation’s claim that, despite his poor performance, “Yo, I jumped off the stage like Superman!” Yes, yes you did sir, and you are still in last place.

Out came the four lowest scoring couples of last night: Michael/Chelsie, Margaret/Louis, David/Kym, and The Situation/Karina. Michael and Chelsie were quickly sent to safety, followed by – yes, really – Margaret and Louis. The other two couples were left to sweat it out.

Next on deck was first-round castoff Adam Carolla presenting his “Tour de Dance,” a crash course in dance history. There were a couple fun facts (the paso doble was invented in southern France), but otherwise, this was pure filler.

Then Daughtry performed his new single “September,” with some seriously awesome dancing by Guest Pros. Seriously, that’s how Tom credited them – “with a performance by our Guest Pros.” What, do they not have names?

There appears to be a new feature this season called Brooke Wanders Backstage and Awkwardly Interviews Contestants While They Are Getting Hair and Makeup Done. Are we meant to believe this is the celebrities in their natural environment? Do they really not get this taken care of before the show?There was no time to dwell on these important questions, not when there was more results to hand out! Jennifer/Derek and Rick/Cheryl were pronounced safe, and then after a commercial break Carlos Santana was back for another performance, this time of “My Guitar Gently Weeps,” featuring India.Arie. Usually it’s my brain that is gently weeping while watching these results shows, so it was nice to have someone else take over.

And then, our first celebrity montage of Season 11. Tonight’s was titled (by me) “My, What a Motley Crew We Are” and featured the celebrities being SO excited to meet each other. And everyone is SO nice! And some of them watch football! And there is a football player on this show! And Florence is a mother figure! And The Situation thought that Alaska was an island!

More results: Audrina/Tony and Florence/Tony were safe! So who’s going home? Well, everyone has to wait because Santana will not stop singing ever and is back AGAIN for one more song before they take his guitar away for good. Daughtry was also in on this number, which featured a performance by Derek, Mark, Lacey, and Chelsie. (See Tom? NAMES.)

Time for our first professionals montage! This one was entitled “Being a Professional Dancer is Hard, Y’all.” And in case you were wondering, they all want to win the mirrorball trophy, being the first one cut is le sad, and the results show is nerve-wracking. It’s also long. Really, really long.

Speaking of results: Brandy/Maks were safe, which I was surprised by – usually the bratty women go home first. Also safe? Bristol/ Mark, Kurt/Anna, and The Situation/Karina. That left David/Kym and Kyle/Lacey as the bottom two (although Tom was quick to remind us that the couple not going home didn’t have the second lowest amount of votes – so really, David/Kym and Kyle/Lacey were the two couples whose results hadn’t been announced yet).

And then – WHAT ON EARTH?! – David and Kym were sent home. This is super-shocking, given that he was one of the headliners of this season and was given the coveted last-place position in the performance show. Who knew that would turn out to be prophetic? Unfortunately, they were also my pick to win, but I guess campy lightning doesn’t strike twice. So really, all bets are off this season – or at least, all bets placed by me. See you next week!

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