Dancing with the Stars: Week 7 Results

Last night, the stars danced. Then they danced some more. Then Aaron had skeevy facial hair. Tonight, two couples will go home. It’s time for the Dancing with the Stars results show!

Right out of the gate, we get to see an encore of the dance from Team Tango. The band’s version of “You Give Love a Bad Name” is just as terrible as it was last night. Likewise, the team dance is just as fabulous as it was last night. From there, we go into the in-depth recap of last night’s dancing. Michael got good (for him) scores. Donny had the flu. Mark had three partners in one week. Mya still didn’t win over Len. Aaron was a Fury on warp drive. Kelly made Louis wear embarassing trousers, and also made Bruno do a desk dance. Joanna got comments from Bruno that made my husband, passing by the TV, cringe and say “ick”. Then the teams danced.

The results begin right after the jump!  

Now, let’s get started with some results. The first couple safe: Kelly & Louis! The first couple in the bottom three: Mark & Lacey. (NOOOO!) That’s enough results for now; it’s time for musical guest Colbie Caillat, of whom I’ve never heard. I can’t decided if she’s a country artist who has a bit of soft rock/pop in her, or if she’s a soft rock/pop artist who has a bit of country. It’s like the eternal chocolate/peanut butter question. The lovely Alec & Edyta come out to dance, and it’s a pleasant and mellow performance with some cool lifts.

After some insipid questions from Samantha, we’re going to find out another two couples’ fates. Next safe: Donny & Kym (I kind of like his green suit with pink tie). Next in the bottom three: Michael & Anna. Not surprising.

Commercials, then it’s time for the horror. Bergeron has been teasing them as “Mark Ballas and Derek Hough”. The TiVo on-screen guide shows them as “The Ballas Hough Band”, and introducing them right now, Samantha just calls them “Ballas Hough”. Whatever they’re called, here they come. The stage is set with lots of fog and plasma TVs. The boys aren’t doing a great job of keeping their microphones near their mouths while they lip-synch. Their hip-hop dancing is terribly effete. And … oh, you want to know about the song? Well, it sounds like a forgotten B-side from some one-hit wonder band in 1986. But if you want a copy of it, you can buy it at the ABC Web site. (I don’t recommend it.)

Where to go from there? Well, to a package about how nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. The stars are interviewed while wearing workout gear and standing in a creepy warehouse with a shiny-wet floor. There’s a bunch of poorly scripted comments, then … OH, I see, it’s a Fight Club thing! They’re going over the rules of the ballroom. The first two of which are: you do not talk about the trophy. It’s ghastly and oh so wrong. After that, I welcome the palate-cleansing of more results. Three couples remain: two are safe, one more is in the bottom three. Mya & Dmitry are safe. Joanna & Derek are also safe. Which means once again, Aaron & Karina are in the bottom three. Does the rest of America dislike this kid as much as I do? It would appear so!

Our last song of the night is from Rod Stewart. I have to confess, I’ve never been a fan. But he sure looks like he’s singing his face off. Plus, he has a tiny chick playing an enormous saxophone, which is comedy gold. And oh, hey, that song’s also available on the ABC Web site. I have to give ABC props, this whole music-sales thing is a sharp move.

Our bottom three couples are on stage. Now it’s time to find out who gets to dance-off, and who is going straight home. Mark & Lacey, Michael & Anna, and Aaron & Karina wait nervously while Bergeron recaps their performances. A long pause, then we find out that the couple getting the firm boot is Michael & Anna. In their exit interviews, Michael makes some weird comments comparing his time on the show with the economy. What? Didn’t a judge make a joke about that, how they keep hearing he’s going to improve but he never does? But this time, Michael seems totally earnest.

Dance-off time! First up are Mark & Lacey. They’re doing the Cha-Cha-Cha for their knockout dance. Mark starts out standing on the judges’ desk, and does a great wiggle-and-jump start. As usual, they throw in some acrobatic moves for Mark, and there’s a bit much of Mark holding on while Lacey does some showy dance moves. But it’s decent overall. Len calls it sharp, rhythmic, and top-notch. Bruno says what little Cha-Cha-Cha was there was good. Carrie Ann is glad to see them both back in top form.

Next, it’s Aaron & Karina. Their knockout dance is the Jive. They waste the first five bars or so with acting, which is riskier when they have a shorter dance. But when they start doing the Jive, it’s really fast and fairly sharp. Although personally, I’m getting the stench of desperation from Aaron again. He hams his way over to Bergeron after the dance is over, which I don’t care for. Bruno can’t believe that they’re in this situation after last night’s Jive, and this dance was just as good. Carrie Ann disagrees; this dance was better than last night. Len calls Aaron the Comeback Kid, and praises tonight’s dance. I fear for Mark. Will the judges consider the fact that America clearly can’t stand Aaron? We’ll find out, after the break.

The judges praise both couples for giving their all and turning in top-notch dances. Instead of showing their paddles individually like last week, this time Len is charged with giving the news of their unanimous decision in a very Nigel-on-SYTYCD way. The couple they’re keeping is: Aaron & Karina. My Mark is going home. NOOOO!

Next Monday, our remaining five couples will each perform two brand-new individual dances. The final dance turns into everyone holding hands and skipping around in a circle, which is adorable. Although it doesn’t alleviate my depression (NOOOO!) about Mark. Pardon me while I go find some chocolate with which to console myself.

Missy will be crying like a baby over at themissy.com. (NOOOO!)