Dancing with the Stars: The First Cut is the Deepest

After two nights of intense performances, it’s time for the ballroom to render its first judgment of the season, ending one couple’s dream of Mirrorball glory.

Things got off to a sassy start with a group number from the pros, reminding everyone of the level that our stars must aspire to. And this season, I think of some of them might get there. Assuming they survive, of course.

First results of the season, y’all: Hines/Kym? Safe! Chris/Cheryl? Safe! Sugar Ray/Anna? Left to sweat it out.

Oh goody, chair-throwing, girlfriend-punching Chris Brown is here! I’m so glad we’re not rewarding his bad behavior with a giant platform to promote his new album and make him a bunch of money … oh, wait.

Can we talk about the whisper cam? By that, I mean the “exclusive footage” they show in these results shows, the subtitled moments just before/after a couple performs – the special time when we get to see what the couples really say to each other. Things like “you’ll do great,” and “we got this.” Compelling TV at its finest.

More results: Kirstie/Maks? Safe! Ralph/Karina? Safe! Chelsea/Mark? Safe! (Was there really any doubt?)

New this season: A Dancing with the Stars Troupe. I’m not really sure what purpose this serves, other than to fill up some time. Or maybe this troupe is meant to be a breeding ground for future DWTS pros, when they need a cast for Season 23. Anyway, it’s another group of professional ballroom dancers. Meh.

In other news, Romeo/Chelsie: Safe! Mike (who?)/Lacey? Not so much!

And the first montage of Season 12 is …. Look How Great Everyone is Getting Along. That won’t last, but it’s lovely that the couples are all off to a nice, pleasant start.

More results, you say? Kendra/Louis? Safe! Petra/Dmitry? Safe! Wendy/Tony? Wait it out!

And then, finally, we found out which star would join the ranks of Adam Carolla, David Hasselhoff, and Shannen Doherty. Goodbye, Mike. I never knew who you were and now I don’t need to find out. Lacey, you had a good run last season.

Alright – so there were no big surprises tonight, but the season is young, my friends. The season is young.

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