Dancing with the Stars: Week Five Performances

When I heard it was going to be TV Theme week, only one thing came to mind: please let someone do Darkwing Duck. Alas, that wish would go unfulfilled, but there was plenty else to keep me occupied:

(Also, why don’t TV shows have proper theme songs anymore? Big Bang Theory has one, but I can’t think of any others. Someone – I’m looking at you, network execs – needs to bring that back.)

Because DWTS now has significantly fewer couples but still a two hour timeslot, there was a bunch of filler at the top of the show as the judges analyzed what each couple needs to do to win. Which they more or less do already, each and every week. The actual show didn’t start until 30 minutes in – thank heavens for DVR.

Brandy and Maks – Quickstep: Gosh, you know what was a great show? Friends. Seriously, is it possible to hear “I’ll Be There for You” and not let out a wistful sigh as you fondly remember all the times you had at Central Perk? Just, sigh. Anyway, Brandy and Maks danced to that theme song and did a good job, although there was a lot of weird overacting. The dancing was solid, and the judges agreed. Len said it was her best dance, Bruno said Maks has found the right formula, and Carrie Ann said she’s on a whole other level now. Scores: 9-9-9.

Florence and Corky – Tango: Well, duh – of course they’re dancing to The Brady Bunch theme, which is now in my head for, oh, eternity. Florence struggled with the footwork throughout the routine, and Corky was visibly overjoyed to have music as cheesy as he is. But even though this wasn’t a stellar performance, I’m not sure anyone is really going to care. C’mon, it’s Mrs. Brady. Bruno said she doesn’t need to always delve into comedy, Carrie Ann said her timing was off, and Len said it was her best dance. Scores: 7-7-7.

Kurt and Anna – Quickstep: Aww, Bewitched. Cute! Kurt is still such a strange contestant. Billy Ray Cyrus-like, almost. He’s not a great dancer, but he’s just so likeable. It’s hard to watch him and not smile, and this routine was delightfully charming. His posture has definitely improved, and I think he’s found some new confidence this week. This was a joy to watch. Carrie Ann said it was wonderful, Len said he’s improved over last week, and Bruno said he was in sparkling form. Scores: 8-8-8.

Audrina and Tony – Rumba: The Hills theme song?! Really? I didn’t realize The Hills even had a theme song (wonder what The Situation would have danced to if he was still here). Oh wait, it’s “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield? That’s not a theme song! Foul, I cry! This rumba was really … smiley. Maybe it’s because “Unwritten” is not even close to being a rumba song, or maybe it was the onions Audrina ate during rehearsals, but this was a big ol’ ball of meh. Len said she looked intimidated, Bruno said she was plastic not fantastic, and Carrie Ann said she looked disjointed and then tried to call out a lift. Scores: 7-8-8.

Kyle and Lacey – Foxtrot: As soon as it was announced that they were dancing to the Charlie’s Angels theme, I knew this was going to be fabulous. The costumes and styling alone were worth of the price of admission. And although this was often more disco than foxtrot, it was such a blast to watch that – like Kurt’s dance – I doubt anyone will care. This was the only dance so far this season that made me hit the rewind button so I could watch it again. Bruno called it “Richard Pryor gone mad,” Carrie Ann loved it, and Len said it started bad and got worse. Scores: 8-5-7. FIVE?

Rick and Cheryl – Rumba: Even though it was just in rehearsals, Kobe Bryant was on Dancing with the Stars. And they said it couldn’t happen! And a rumba to the theme of Hill Street Blues is certainly different. It was a solid performance, although I thought it lacked the smolder of a good rumba. Carrie Ann said it should be a crime to look that good in a rumba, Len said there was an ease and an elegance to his dancing, and Bruno said he went from Megatron to Megasmooth. Scores: 8-8-8.

Bristol and Mark – Jive: So they’re dancing to the theme from The Monkees. Dressed as monkeys. Nothing like a too-literal translation to make things weird. To be more accurate, they weren’t so much dressed as Monkeys as they were Scary Gorillas. And Gorilla Palin completely forgot the routine. Once they stopped monkeying around (bazinga), things got a little better, but not by much. Remember that Marie Osmond doll routine? This was like that, only weirder. Len liked the monkey suits (whaaaa?), Bruno said she tried to perform but her technique suffered, and Carrie Ann said it was a big step forward for her. Scores: 6-6-6.

Jennifer and Derek – Foxtrot: Jennifer and Derek are dancing to the theme song from Married … with Children but styled as though they just walked off The Honeymooners. It was cute, but their usual magic seemed to be missing. Jennifer did all the steps, but it was almost like you could see how much she’s feeling the pressure. Bruno said it was beautifully danced, Carrie Ann said it was good but not her best, and Len said it was too theatrical. Scores: 8-8-9.

And so ends TV Theme Week. I can’t believe no one danced to The Mary Tyler Moore Show song. I mean, really.

Want to see Dancing with the Stars in person and sit in the sacred ballroom? CharityBuzz is hosting an auction for two VIP tickets, with proceeds benefits the UCLA Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center.

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