Dancing with the Stars: Week 5 Performances

Lights! Camera! Action! It’s Movie Night on Dancing with the Stars, which I have been excited about since they announced it last week. I love movies, I love dancing, I love reality TV – it’s the perfect marriage of everything that is good in the world. Will there be Oscar-worthy performances or will I be forced to hand out some Razzies? As it turns out, there was a little of both.

Niecy and LouisJiveLa Bamba:  I overestimated Dancing with the Stars. Of course, we would begin the night with the most annoying movie theme ever created. Niecy spent most of her rehearsal footage reminding us that she is not a skinny person she is doing this for all the real ladies out there. This schtick is getting old, but their dance was a lot of fun. For a jive, it seemed a little slow, but I think that’s the song’s fault. Her footwork needs work, but this was a huge improvement over her rumba last week and it allowed Niecy to showcase her personality. Len said there was plenty of bounce in her bazookas but not enough in her feet, Bruno said there was too much going on “in the upper decks,” and Carrie Ann called her the shimmy queen. Scores: 6-6-6.

 Chad and CherylQuickstepThe Jungle Book: Token Disney song! Cheryl appears to be getting frustrated with Chad’s childish antics, which I can’t blame her for. Honestly, he would drive me crazy too. The stage was decorated like the inside of The Rainforest Café, which I appreciated, but this dance was not good. For all the rumor mongering about their offscreen relationship, Chad and Cheryl were not connecting. The whole thing, while not terrible, seemed off. Bruno cried, “Chad of the jungle!” but said it was a little too wild, Carrie Ann criticized his hold, and Len thought it was bright and lively. Scores: 6-6-6.

 Erin and MaksJivePulp Fiction: Erin and Maks fight. A lot. And they are adorable. Each week, these two consistently serve up the most entertaining rehearsal footage. And as for the dance, I have a feeling this is what the DWTS producers had in mind when they first came up with Movie Night. This dance perfectly encapsulated the film it was representing. And Erin looked great! Perfect? No. But I adore her. Carrie Ann said she was anticipating the beat, Len said the dance was occasionally hectic, and Bruno said it was her best timing ever. Scores: 7-7-8.

Jake and ChelsieCha ChaRisky Business: Jake, taking off your shirt will not make me like you. The same goes for taking off your pants. (Though it takes a very secure man to dance on live television in his undies.) This dance was a big improvement for Jake, lots of fun, although the dance seemed to lose steam in the middle and Jake had a visible stumble towards the end (again). Len said it was great fun, Bruno called Jake a “cheeky bugger” and said the pants should have stayed off, and Carrie Ann was proud that Jake went all out. Scores: 8-7-8.

Pam and DamienQuickstep9 to 5: Calling Captain Obvious, Captain Obvious, do you read me? What role should Pamela play this week? Dolly Parton, you say? Ingenious! As for the dance, it was okay. It was more skit than quickstep, but what dancing Pamela did do she did well. Her arms looked a little weak, but overall it was a solid performance. Bruno loved her character, Carrie Ann said the hold was a little loose, and Len hated all the props and “messing about.” Scores: 7-6-8.

Kate and TonyFoxtrotThe Breakfast Club: Oh Kate, we couldn’t forget about you even if we wanted to. This being movie week, Tony dared – DARED – to try and put something fun from the film they were assigned into the dance, but Cold Stone Kate Gosselin was not having any of this “fun” business. I assumed Kate was playing the Paul Gleason role, but I was surprised to see she was supposed to be (I think?) Molly Ringwald, as dressed by Ally Sheedy’s Nightmares. In a word: mess. Carrie Ann compared Kate to Charlie Brown’s teacher (werd), Len said it was a stroll, not a dance (double werd), and Bruno said she was catatonic (triple werd). Scores: 5-5-5.

Nicole and DerekTangoPretty Woman: First off, kudos to the wardrobe department – these two looked stunning, and perfectly in character. And what a tango! There wasn’t much to find fault in – it was pretty perfect. Look who’s back in action – well done, Nicole. Len said it was the best dance of the season, and Bruno said she was at the top of the game, and Carrie Ann did a weird Molly Shannon impression and cried “Supahstahs!” Scores: 10-9-10.

Evan and Anna – Rumba –  Armageddon: NO THEY DID NOT. NO THEY DID NOT BALLROOMIZE ARMAGEDDON, THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER. And then, they’re training in my home state of New Hampshire? Guys, seriously, if I loved you any more right now my heart would explode. Evan didn’t quite have the hip action right, but his lines were incredible. It was a gorgeous, lyrical routine. Love them! And Anna, I appreciate you picking up the naked quotient now that Edyta is gone. Bruno said his top lines were exquisite, Carrie Ann called it tender and beautiful, and Len said they did a great job. Scores: 9-9-9.

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