Dancing with the Stars: Week 9 Results

Last night, all danced thrice. Tonight, three will remain. Who does America like the least? Let’s find out, after 55 minutes of filler, on … Dancing with the Stars!

The encore dance is, unsurprisingly, Mya & Dmitry doing their Salsa. It earned a perfect 30, and we once again get to see why. I always secretly hope someone falls down during the encore dance, but my secret hopes are always dashed. They’re just as awesome, and get a huge standing ovation.

It’s time for recaps of last night. We find out that Kelly’s Rumba solo was almost completely improvised because she forgot her choreography, and they were concerned about top-poppage in her yellow dress. Joanna savored comments from the judges. Donny suffered Dressgate 2009, but came back with two great dances. Mya slaughtered all three dances and got Len to remark not once, but TWICE about her posterior.

Who’s going home? Find out after the cut, and 50 more minutes of filler.

Time to begin the elimination! Right now! Only 9 minutes in! Delightful. The first space in the finals is going to … wait for it … tension fills the room … the first finalist … will be revealed shortly. Well punked, Bergeron.

Our first real burst of filler is a dance number from the upcoming movie Nine. It’s all sexy and sultry and dirty and goes on 50% too long, just like all dance numbers in musicals. In the end, the dancers all flop down on the ground in the shape of the number 9. How awkward, having two movies coming out in the same season, one named Nine and one named 9. They should have called each other. Commercials, then it’s more filler — this time, a performance by Alicia Keys. Her outfit is a frightful mix of leather jacket, pleather tights, and thigh-high teal suede boots. The song is decent, I guess, but Keys isn’t my personal bag. One thing’s for sure — it’s miles better than the Ballas/Hough number. But then again, my cats sound better than Ballas/Hough.

The next filler is a … music video? Of the celebrities poorly lip-synching to “Under Pressure”. Donny is the only one who can really act at all. It ends with a shot of a pair of high-heeled shoes on fire, and the smoke coming off of those babies looks pretty toxic. Afterward, Bergeron comments that pressure clearly doesn’t improve lip-synching skills.

Finally, 27 minutes in, some results. The two highest-scoring couples, Mya & Dmitry and Joanna & Derek, are called to the front of the stage. First off, Mya & Dmitry are sent to the finals. Dmitry seems even more excited than Mya. Joanna & Derek are told that they’ll find out their fate later.

After a break, Leona Lewis performs. While standing on a glassy pedestal in the middle of a sea of fog, surrounded by dancing men. It’s like that dream I had the other night. Oh, here come some women to dance as well. Still, pretty cool. The song, as usual, is available in the “music lounge” on the ABC site. Smart.

We move straight into more results — our remaining two couples, Kelly & Louis and Donny & Kym, stand on the band stage to find out their fate. The next couple in the finals is … Donny & Kym!

Next up, the two remaining Bee Gees will perform while Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani (last season’s third-place finishers and supposed “fan favorites”) will join with other pros to dance the hustle. It’s the 50th anniversary of the Bee Gees, and they’re giving us “You Should Be Dancing”. The judges are on their feet. The crowd, likewise. My husband is of the opinion that the Bee Gees always sound like they’re being scalded with boiling water. Which is kind of true, but I still think they’re grand. Rycroft isn’t as good as the pros, but she has a great lift at the end. She’s barefoot, which makes her stand out all the more against the shoe-wearing professional women she’s dancing near.

The next package is about how the pros put together the dance numbers for the results shows. There’s bickering, and tomfoolery, but they always seem to come together as a team and create great dances. Sometimes the wardrobe department has to create up to 120 costumes per week. Now that’s seriously hardcore.

We’re 50 minutes in, and supposedly we’re returning to the elimination. With 10 minutes left? I’m not falling for this stuff again, Bergeron. Ah, yes … the eliminated contestants will be revealed … after these message. Cue a massive commercial break, and finally it’s 55 past the hour, and time to find out our final finalist. Will it be Kelly, the goofball who still makes mistakes galore but has the brightest smile in the room? Or will it be Joanna, who gets good scores but some people still think she’s a big emotionless block of wood? On this ninth week of competition, the couple leaving tonight is … Joanna & Derek. What! I’m so delighted! I just like Kelly so much more.

Because we have that kind of time, Joanna & Derek will dance their Viennese Waltz again instead of doing the standard shuffling junior-high-grade last dance while the credits roll. “Hallelujah” is just as creepy and plodding as it was last night.

So there we have our finalists. Mya the high-scorer, Donny the entertainer, and Kelly the giddy-bubbly-smiler. Next week: freestyle dancing, and the mirrorball trophy finds a new home. I can’t wait!

Missy normally wears her 120 costumes per week over at themissy.com.