Dancing with the Stars: Week 5 Results

I turned on the TV at 10pm, just in time to see the eliminated contestants do their final dance. Because the results show ran until 10:01pm. Thanks, ABC — I hope that extra minute was totally worth it. Oh well, now I won’t be on the edge of my seat as I watch the results show. That said, onward with … Dancing with the Stars!

Last night: people danced well! Tonight: a Michael Jackson tribute! Also: 9-time Grammy winner Norah Jones looks cute as a bug! But first, an endless recap of last night’s dancing. Turns out that Kelly hurt her ankle during her dance, and Ozzy wheeled her out to an ambulance to go get it checked out. Bergeron lets us know that she has a sprained foot and a contusion, but will be able to dance the Jitterbug next week (if she makes it through).

Len lets us know that the encore will go to Donny & Kym for their Argentine Tango. It’s just as delightful as it was last night, and Donny’s serious face is just as serious. You go, Donny Freakin’ Osmond. I like your face more every week.

(Norah Jones and the Michael Jackson Tribute below the jump)

We get the first of a bunch of little packages where the professional dancers talk about how great it was to dance to Michael Jackson songs during the show. Commercials, then it’s Norah time. Her song starts out sounding like it’s going to be a cover of “Higher Ground”, but then it gets all funky and swanky, and some strange new dancers come out to do a sort of ballroom-meets-Tyce-Diorio-grade-jazz routine. Norah is backed with four other musicians, but the really fascinating one is a woman with B-52s hair playing a couple of drums with towels thrown over them. It’s perplexing, but at the same time hip.

After Norah Jones, Samantha introduces another recap. In this one, the dancers all talk about how the audience votes are so important, and they all hope they did enough to get America voting. Then it’s time to start the drama. We begin with last night’s top three couples. Mark & Lacey are safe (Yay, Sensei Ping!), and so are DFO & Kym. Likewise, Mya & Dmitry are safe. No surprises so far.

Time for another package, this one about how Monday goes for everyone. Hair & makeup, the delicious craft services table, onstage, backstage, dressing rooms, wardrobe. It’s a really weird package, with stilted voice-overs by the celebrities and totally staged footage of the celebrities walking around passing the shot off to each other. I do love that everyone wears big fluffy red robes around wherever they go. Toasty!

Next up for elimination: the three couples who tied in the middle, with 24 points. Joanna & Derek are in jeopardy. Kelly & Louis are totally safe. And Aaron & Karina are in jeopardy. Wowsers! Aaron is going to have to buy up some handkerchiefs, because clearly America wants to keep him in the bottom and see him cry some more.

After some commercials, two more couples are up for judgment — the lowest-scoring man and woman. Michael & Anna are safe, but Natalie & Alec are in jeopardy. What, are we going to have a bottom three? Or a bottom four? They’re switching things up again, and I don’t like it. Backstage, Samantha interviews Kelly and Michael, while out in front Norah Jones gets set up to perform “Come Away with Me”. With this new haircut, Norah looks kind of like Rachel Weisz. Pros Jonathan and eliminated-Anna dance a beautiful Waltz (This song was their wedding song!), and everyone involved is just too adorable.

The remaining two couples, Louie & Chelsie and Melissa & Mark, get to find out their initial results. Louie & Chelsie are safe, while Melissa & Mark are in jeopardy. So we’ve narrowed it down to a bottom four.

But before we get to the final results, it’s time for the Michael Jackson tribute. Michael’s siblings, the DwtS dancers, and one of the DwtS singers all say lovely things about MJ’s works and his inspiration. LaToya introduces the tribute dance, and I have to be honest, she can’t read a teleprompter to save her life. The dance includes tons of MJ moves like the moonwalk, as well as snippets from The Wiz and the “Thriller” zombie dance. The whole thing is hokey and charming and cheesy and wonderful, all at the same time.

Time is now short, so it’s time for the rest of the results. These bottom four couples have all either been at the top of the leaderboard or within one point of the top. Crazy! The first couple sent away to safety is Melissa & Mark, followed quickly by Joanna & Derek. That means this week’s bottom two are Aaron & Karina and Natalie & Alec. Bergeron throws it to the judges, where Bruno boggles that Aaron is back in the bottom, and Carrie Ann is disappointed to see Natalie there. Len is upset because neither team should be here, because the voting public is too much in love with poor-dancing underdogs.

Our couple going home this week: Natalie & Alec, and I wish I’d placed money on that bet. Poor Natalie looks terribly distraught, and everyone else seems quite upset as well. They get a standing ovation for their final dance as Bergeron & Samantha fill us in on next week. A dance marathon Mambo! The dreaded double elimination! A dance-off! And Taylor “I’mma let you finish” Swift. And in case you missed the eight thousand commercials, V starts November 2nd. Go, lizard guys!

Missy used to know the entire “Thriller” dance by heart, back in 1983. She also blogs at themissy.com.