Dancing with the Stars – Season 9 Premiere (Part 2)

Yesterday just wasn’t enough. We need two more hours of dancing. Specifically, dancing… with the stars! Tonight is ladies’ night, and they want to make sure we know it. The show starts with a group number featuring the female professionals, to the tune of “She’s a Lady.” It’s like all the bad parts of Solid Gold, and none of the good.

Cut to Tom and Samantha up on the balcony, with Tom blathering about how great everything is, and Samantha staring a hole into the camera with soulless, vacant eyes. And now, the celebrities! Nobody falls down the stairs, so really it’s not worth recapping. Although just like last night, the trumpet player goes absolutely crazy with a solo as we pan down the row of celebs. Trumpet Guy is now my favorite member of the cast.

The ladies will be doing either the Salsa or Viennese Waltz for their individual dances, and the Cha-Cha-Cha and Fox Trot for the relay.

Debi Mazar & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Debi tells us that she’s an actress who specializes in strong female roles. I hear she’s more than a little bit crazy. She’s tickled pink to work with Maks, and she proceeds to drive him nuts in rehearsal by never shutting up. They launch into their Salsa up on the little stage in front of the band, and the first part is just a bunch of sexy walking. Finally about halfway through they start doing something that looks vaguely like a Salsa, although it appears that Debi keeps forgetting the steps. They do some cool turns at the end, but I just don’t think the content was there. We go to the judges while Debi is gasping and heaving for breath. Len compliments her energy, but notes there’s a lot of work to do. Bruno loves how she works her “bazooms,” and he “got a lot of value out of that.” It’s the most complimentary pervy insult ever. Carrie Ann thinks she’s thinking too much. Then Maks pinches Bergeron’s tush, which is way hotter than Debi’s bazoom-shaking. The scores aren’t shocking: 6-5-5.

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark Ballas: Her credentials are all Sabrina and no Clarissa. Mark is a big fan and watched Sabrina every day. Their rehearsal process actually looks like a lot of fun. They’re doing the Viennese Waltz, and it’s not terrible. Her shoulders are way scrunchy, and she’s a bit awkward, but there’s a ton of potential there. She’s smiling and charming, and looks like she’s still sixteen. Bruno asks if she’s nervous, then calls her dancing adequate. Carrie Ann compliments the few memorable moments, then criticizes her connection to the music. Len found it too sweet and sickly, has good things to say about the hold, but then slams on Melissa’s feet. The judges throw down 6-6-6, which is perfect for a teenage witch.

Mya & Dmitry Chaplin: She was in the movie Chicago. Where she danced. She says she’s tapped since age 5, but has never done ballroom. Still, too much dance experience for this show? Dmitry is apparently always eager to show off his chest. Mya looks awkward in rehearsals, but I think it may be a distraction technique to hide how awesome she’s going to be. And yeah, that is indeed the case. She’s rocking the heck out of this Viennese Waltz. And Dmitry totally isn’t taking it easy on her with the choreography — I predict the highest scores so far. She may well get an eight. Or two. Carrie Ann applauds her for setting the bar. Len rips the routine apart, claiming it had very little in common with an actual Viennese Waltz, which gets Bruno on his feet and the audience booing like mad. The scores are 8-5-8, where Mya gets the penalty for Dmitry’s choreography. Harsh.

Kathy Ireland & Tony Dovolani: She’s wearing some distracting sparkles, and he’s wearing pleated pants that may have come from her Kmart collection. She looks good for her age, and also sounds a lot less high-pitched and squeaky than she used to. In rehearsal she looks genuinely awkward, as opposed to the fake-awkward we saw from Mya, and I’m already worried. In the Salsa itself she does all right, though she’s a little mechanical and robotic. Also, she can’t really shimmy at all. After she dances, she runs to the audience and hugs a guy who looks like Tommy Hilfiger. (I’m weirded out that I know what Tommy Hilfiger looks like. Too many fashion reality shows.) Len missed the sizzle. Bruno says it looked like she was “threading on eggshells.” Carrie Ann commends Kathy’s posture, but wants her to loosen up. We take a moment to recognize the band (Hey there, Jewelry Head! Hello, Trumpet GUy!) and then head backstage for a little blather and the scores, which are 6-5-5.

Natalie Coughlin & Alec Mazo: She’s an Olympic gold medalist in swimming, and he was paired with winner Kelly Monaco in the first season of DwtS. This girl is kind of adorable, but she’s having a hard time putting on a pleasant face when she dances — when she swims, she puts on a kind of mean, scrunchy swimface. Their Salsa is decent; she knows how to move her body, she just needs to work on showing some personality and loosening up. She’s less robotic than Kathy, but you can kind of see her counting the steps as she dances. Bruno sees a lot of potential, and warns her about freezing up. Carrie Ann calls her a diamond in the rough. Len is bewildered, because these gorgeous girls can’t seem to be sexy enough for the Salsa. We take a commercial break, then head backstage for the scores: 7-6-6.

Macy Gray & Jonathan Roberts: Her voice is like whiskey poured over gravel. Love it. She’s also a total giant, and isn’t terribly graceful. She was on tour in Europe during the initial rehearsal period, so I worry about her. It’s always tough when they can’t dedicate enough time to working on the dancing. They’re doing the Viennese Waltz while Jewelry Head sings “Natural Woman.” Oh, Macy. This is not good. She’s not terribly flexible, so she’s stiff and upright even when she shouldn’t be. And there isn’t a lot of personality to make up for the dancing. Carrie Ann won’t even touch on the technique, but finds her fascinating and beautiful in a bizarre way. Len loves her charm and vulnerability. Bruno compares it to “a child taking his first steps into a new world,” then starts singing. That man is … inexplicable. Backstage, the charming and vulnerable Macy makes a comment about busting her dance cherry, which the network partially but ineffectively bleeps. We go straight from that to the judges’ scores, and Carrie Ann and Bruno are both giggling. 6-4-5.

Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough: She was recently named the sexiest swimsuit model in the world. I don’t recognize her at all, so clearly I haven’t been reading the right magazines. She took some dance lessons as a little girl, so we’ll see if that translates at all. She seems to have a good personality, and may turn out to be a decent dancer. Of course, being a red-hot swimsuit model doesn’t hurt. She has on fluorescent yellow fringed pants, which can only be a distraction. Come on, you’re a model! Show the legs! Although I have to give her props — she’s working the heck out of the fringe. Great hip action and shimmying and some excellent moves. Right now I’m thinking that a woman is going to win this season; they’ve been much better overall than the men. Len is delighted; finally a hot, smoking Salsa. Bruno applauds the dance as well as Derek’s choreography. Carrie Ann loves Joanna’s confidence and agrees with the hotness. The judges throw her 8-8-8, for the highest score of the round.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis Van Amstel: This is a weird pairing for me; a quirky punky girl, and a man who looks like beef jerky. At least he’s not as overtanned this time. Honestly, Louis is on notice for me after he interviewed in TV Guide about how fat Cheryl Burke and Lacey Schwimmer were. The first meeting involves a painfully unfunny Ozzy/Sharon moment. They’re doing the Viennese Waltz, and the stage is decorated with actual candelabras, like this is the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. She’s totally adorable when she smiles, and she does a pretty good job with the dance. Her posture in the hold is grand, and her movements are very fluid. She gets a standing O from the audience, and runs over for kisses from mom and dad. Bruno loves her impeccable style. Carrie Ann has almost all praise, but noticed the foot off the floor during a lift at the end. Len called it the best Viennese Waltz of the night. All throughout, both Ozzy and Sharon are crying their faces off. Backstage, Kelly is also crying, and she’s so cute I want to barf. We take a quick break, come back for the scores (7-8-8), and then we head back to commercial. Sadly, there’s no awkward Samantha moment like last night.

It’s almost relay dance time! First off, Tom talks to Michael about how the men are enjoying the chance to sit and watch the ladies do their thing, then heads over to ask Ozzy how he feels. It’s delightful mumbling about how proud he is. And then we head to the relay dance; it’s a Fox Trot between Debi & Maks, Kathy & Tony, Joanna & Derek, and Natalie & Alec. Kathy’s frightened to be around athletes and performers. Joanna and Natalie are nervous. Debi smacks Maks in the face. And they’re all going to wear the most gorgeous shade of blue.

First up are Natalie & Alec, and they cut a fair rug. She has excellent potential. Next are Kathy & Tony, and she’s less wooden, but still kind of awful. They flub the very end. Joanna & Derek shuffle around pretty well, although she misses a step in there and has a stumble. Then Debi & Maks do all right, but nothing phenomenal. They end with a totally illegal lift. Carrie Ann points out that it was a smart time to lift, because she can’t dock points directly. She gives props to Joanna, and wants bigger footwork from Kathy. Len likes Natalie’s extension and movement, Kathy’s elegance, Joanna’s mix in hold and apart, and Maks’ choreography. Bruno repeats almost everything that’s already been said, but in his own quirky way. The judges put Kathy & Tony in last, for 4 points. Debi & Maks take 6, Natalie & Alec get 8, and Joanna & Derek take the top spot and 10 points.

Now it’s time for the rest of the teams to do the Cha-Cha-Cha relay. Kelly & Louis, Macy & Jonathan, Mya & Dmitry, and Melissa & Mark are ready to shimmy and shake. Kelly worries about Mya’s sexiness. Melissa is also worried about Mya. Macy appears to have no shimmy at all.

The band breaks into “Centerfold,” and we start with Macy & Jonathan. It’s just as terrible as her earlier dance; honestly, she dances like a man in drag. Unbending at the waist, uncertain on the heels, and altogether stiff and awkward. Next out are Melissa & Mark, and it’s a vast improvement on the previous couple. She could still use a lot more shake in her rear, but that may come with time. Mya & Dmitry spend the first part of their time mugging and flailing, then finally get into some actual dancing. It’s all right, but not what I’d call awesome. Last up are Kelly & Louis, and they do some good moves. She has the most wiggle of all the ladies in the group, and continues to be absolutely adorable. Len thinks Macy’s schedule kept her from doing well, Melissa improved over her earlier dance, Mya and Dmitry had much more content, and Kelly produced two first-class dances. Bruno thinks Macy’s timing was better, Melissa seemed to have fun, Mya’s footwork was great, and Kelly was surprisingly good with the shaking. Carrie Ann wants more work from Macy, saw improvement in Melissa, loves Mya’s energy, and gives Kelly kudos for her footwork. In a completely unshocking turn, the judges give Macy & Jonathan the bottom spot with 4 points. Melissa & Mark take 6 points. Now the surprise: Kelly & Louis get 8, and Mya & Dmitry get the 10. I would have switched those, myself.

We must be short on time after the recaps. Bergeron hurries us into the credits without telling us who’s at the top and bottom of the leaderboard. FYI, it’s Macy & Jonathan at the bottom with 19 points, and Joanna & Derek at the top with 34.

When not doing the recap Cha-Cha-Cha here, Missy can be found at her blog TheMissy.com.

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