Dancing with the Stars: Week Three Results

Once upon a time, in a land not far away, our stars were challenged to tell a story through their dancing, and tonight, Dancing with the Stars will close the book on one of our celebrities.

But there was no time to dawdle/think of more literary puns, because right off the bat, Aiden and Edyta and Erin and Maks were sent to safety. And then, as has become a nice tradition this season, Len narrated the recap of last night’s adventures. I was hoping this would provide an opportunity to show Bruno yelling “You released the Kraken!” again, but DWTS producers clearly do not appreciate the brilliance of that moment.

I was so pleased to see Evan and Anna awarded the encore performance, not only because they are my favorite couple, but they are also my pick to win the whole shebang. Honestly, I’ve never thought much of Anna as a partner, but these two are a match made in heaven.

 Reba McIntyre was this week’s musical guest, and she sang her hit song “I Want a Cowboy” as the DWTS pros performed a half-naked line dancing ballroom hodgepodge of western weirdness. I wonder what would happen if any of them actually went to a ranch. Also, can we pause and acknowledge how amazing Reba looks? I’m jealous.

Niecy and Louis were pronounced safe, and then Derek and Chelsie took to the floor to perform a paso doble, with musical accompaniment by Mark Ballas and some other people playing guitar. And, wow. Way to show everyone else how it’s done. This was easily the best professional routine we’ve seen on the show in a long time. Sultry, sexy, superb.

 Next week, DWTS is taking a cue from figure skating and instituting a “double score showdown,” which is an absurd way of saying each dance will be given two scores: one for technique and one for performance. I’m not sure why DWTS is changing the rules in the middle of the season or if they’re just trying this on for size, but it should be interesting.

More results: Nicole and Derek were quickly sent to safety, and then Reba was back to sing “Consider Me Gone,” this time with DWTS pros Dmitry and Lacey (why isn’t either of them actually on this season) doing another fusion-type ballroom routine, which was considerably less crazy than the group number earlier.

News! Voters chose Joey Fatone to dance with Melissa Rycroft in this season’s “Design a Dance” performance. Yay! Love Joey. Well done, America. Melissa was sent to report on what it’s like to sit in the audience of DWTS (helloooo, filler). The best part about this segment was learning that before the audience goes into the studio, they all hang out on the lot under a big “The Price is Right” sign. Other fun facts: there are 720 seats in the studio, and everyone has to be there 90 minutes in advance. In case you were wondering.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering who’s going home. Evan and Anna were safe, followed by Chad and Cheryl. And then, it was time for one of those “everyone is friends” montages. Niecy makes cookies, Erin is awesome, and Aiden hearts Nicole. And then, finally, back to results. Pamela and Damian were pronounced safe, followed by – GASP – Kate and Tony. Make. It. Stop.

(Ryan Seacrest voice) Your bottom two, America. This is what your votes have done. Buzz and Ashly. Jake and Chelsie. One of them will be leaving us tonight. Let’s dim the lights! (and yes, I’m about to watch American Idol in a few minutes).

So what went wrong? Obviously all of Kate’s children have been forced to do nothing but dial eight little phones for hours on end. Buzz and Ashly – I love Buzz, but his scores were low and we all knew this was bound to happen eventually. He’s had a good run. And as for Jake, his frat-boy looks and womanly tantrums are beginning to annoy. It’s truly amazing to me that women actually competed to date this guy. Only on reality TV, folks.

And then, Houston, we have a problem: Buzz was sent packing. Ah, well. It was one box step for man, one grand jete for mankind.

The Disney Chick has been known to release the Kraken over at her usual home, www.thedisneychick.com.